George
I walked with my friends down the road. This was different than normal through we were missing some people.
Earlier that day, I sat at the marble counter with a Poland spring water bottle in my hand and the fruit bowl shaped skeleton head that is supposed to be a mask. It’s plastic smell filled my nose after i tried it on. I heard my brothers get into their costumes. Outside 3 orange cycles burned with carved smiles. Those mouths would light the night. I glanced at the “mask”. I got it because I did not what one that would be uncomfortable but this one was not that great. I leaned back on the chair a little bit. All I need this year was a mask (and well a bag).
Halloween, 5:30 P.M.
I was going to eat dinner then go treat or treating. We had to get candy for some who broke their hand but that was not that big a deal. Then it was announced that the 8th graders would go first.
That was unexpected.
I told dad and a flashlight and everything was read. Not really. I was nervous. This was the first Halloween I was alone. What would happen! But at the same time that was kind of cool. It was the first Halloween I was alone.
It started okay the first 3 house were fine. I started to follow the other 8th graders when 3 of us stopped me. There was a long drive way they wanted to go down and they wanted my flashlight.
“No” I said.
“Just a second.”
“No.”
This was unexpected by someone who said that there was nothing there.
We continued.
10 or some minutes later we came to my house. There was a bucket that said only take one.
That was not followed.
I ask the person why.
“You took 2.”
“What?”
“2 bags.”
“It’s not for me.”
I had forgot that we had to get extra candy for someone. I thought i should stop worrying it is Halloween.
After what felt like a minute we were back at the party. I stayed because i did not want to go to another street.
I went back with my mom to restock candy at our house. I tapped my foot wondering if i should have went to the other road. I was not doing anything else. Some people from our group were walking back.
“Can I go with them mom?” I asked.
“Sure.”
“Thank you.”
We walked on back on hit a house we did not get before.
I decided that I should calm down. It is a holiday. Everyone played video games for the rest of the party.
Dear George,
I like how you wrote about trick – or – treating, by giving the scene of the situation, such as, “Halloween, 5:30 P.M.” It’s always good to know what is going on within the story, to make it understandable. I also like how you have many short sentences such as, “That was unexpected.” These sentences are interesting to read because it makes the story more suspenseful, and puts emphasis on that part of the story. One thing I think you could improve is not to include so many of these (such as Gary Paulsen), because when they are only interesting in certain situations, and just some spelling/grammar edits.
-Matt Urso